Selfish or Self-Preservation

It's been a while between posts. I've barely had time to sit down and write and on the odd occasion where I find myself with ten minutes to chill out, I don't have the energy or motivation to.

Today, my head is in a funny place. There is a part of me (a very tiny part) that would love to just disappear for a day or two. No responsibilities. No cleaning. No cooking. No fights. No breastfeeding.

Just me. 

A sunny location with beautiful water to swim in and perhaps a cocktail or two. Pure bliss.  No big decisions to be made (other than what food you can bring me and which cocktail should I drink). . . selfish, isn't it? All these people keep saying "Look after yourself." "Don't forget to stop and take time for you too." If I am looking after my family and suddenly stop and say "Enough! I'm out for a bit team," does that make me selfish or is it just self-preservation kicking in? I honestly don't know. It's natural for me to be looking after them and watching over them before myself though, isn't it? Isn't that what most mothers/fathers do for their families? Isn't that part of their 'job' as parents?

It doesn't matter though. Without my little family by my side, it wouldn't be right. My perfect holiday, my true idea of bliss would include having my family (or at the very least my hubby) there with me. Enjoying time away together with hopefully little drama and lots of smiles, laughter and cuddles.

That doesn't stop me from feeling tired though... or letting the dream of solitude and relaxation linger in my head.

The ups and downs of Leigh's surgery have taken a toll on each of us. It's been a tough (almost) quarter of a year. We've all stumbled at times; it definitely hasn't always been pretty. The daycare centre even mentioned to me they had noticed changes in the kids behaviour that track back to the accident / second surgery. I wish I knew what had been going on their heads throughout all this. It really has been a very different experience for all four of us (not to mention the extended family and our friends) and while Leigh of course has directly suffered physically and emotionally that hasn't meant that we suffered any less. It's so hard watching a member of your family endure any torment or turmoil.

But, there have been highs too! On Friday, our little princess invited us to her Pre-School play "We're Going On a Bear Hunt". The kids were acting out the book (that I remember reading as a kid . . . many many years ago now), followed by a Teddy Bear's Picnic. The kids were all lined up at the front, getting ready and standing in their places when I hear my little munchkins voice, loud as anything (just like her father) say "My Daddy is here!! Even with his broken neck! It's getting better!" She was just so extremely proud of her Dad and having him there to watch her. Instant tears and heart-strings were pulled, believe me. She waved at us, mid-play, several times. It was adorable to see her so happy and excited. We don't have much longer to go before she'll be begging us NOT to turn up at things, so I am soaking up these moments while I can.

Until that moment though, I didn't realise how much hearing "Daddy can't make it" might have impacted on her. Of course, I knew she was upset each time he couldn't make it somewhere but she was 4, so was easily distracted by other things once she knew he wouldn't be there. I knew that it made her sad though. But, it took seeing that excitement when she saw him in her classroom, for me to really get it. To really understand better, what she had been experiencing.

It's amazing how alike they are and yet how different. This last few months has seen a little more tension between the two - particularly when one (or both!) are tired. I've been caught in the middle of some fights more than a few times. I try not to take sides. I try to keep the peace but often I seem to make it worse for one or the other. So, these moments, the ones where they both light up at the sight of each other; the uncontrollable giggles; the humorous conversations, these are the moments I want to always remember. Just a Dad and a Daughter enjoying life together.

I'm not naive enough to think that our little family will sail through life with no fights or drama. I know that we will experience many more highs and lows yet. I know that by getting through those difficult times together; those moments where it seems like we are all talking a different language; working through the hard stuff to come out the other side and still being able to enjoy a conversation and a laugh together, that's what makes a good family great.

And so, while I contemplate my own selfish reasons for wanting some space, I know that deep down, I am exactly where I need to be.

Exactly where I want to be.

Small Things

Claire's balloons for Daddy

Tonight I am reflecting on the last week and one word comes to mind . . . WOW.

There have been ups and downs, triumphs and setbacks but above all else there has been love and support and certainly from my end, so much gratitude.

On the ward - Day 3

Juggling young kids, work, daycare, hospital visits and all the normal 'day-to-day' stuff has at times been difficult. For the most part, I think we've gotten through it pretty smoothly. The kids can't handle too much time in the hospital so I've tried to get in to see Leigh twice a day. Once with the kids and once on my own. Most days it worked pretty well. Usually the kids lift Leigh's spirits for a bit (until he needs to sleep or the drugs take over and it all becomes too much) and then when I get in there by myself we can chat more about his recovery and what the doctors are doing and just be together for a short time.

Monkeys watching tv together

The funny thing about incidents like these is that while it may turn your world upside down, life does go on. The bills still need to be paid. The washing needs to be done. Meals need to be prepared and eaten. It's quite a strange feeling knowing that on one hand we have this huge life-changing thing going on and then on the other hand I have two young kids who still look to me and need to be entertained, still want to play and who are growing up at a rate of knots. It's not always easy to keep life 'normal' for them. I'm not strict on routine with our kids but I guess I follow a basic 'plan' each day. Times like this those plans can just completely disappear.

Daddy Daughter Cuddles

Tyler started walking this week. I couldn't believe it. Leigh and I had agreed that we thought he would be walking by his first birthday and he has proved us right. With each passing day his confidence has grown a little and he takes a few more steps unassisted. He even worked out how to open the fridge! It just made me stop and realise that life stops for nothing. I wish Leigh had been home to experience it and see it for himself but I am grateful that he is here with us at all and has been able to see it since the first big walk. Our kids are going to continue to grow and adapt and learn, no matter what else might be going on in our lives. I know I can't protect them forever. I love watching them advance, but a small part of me is saddened that with each new thing they learn and try they take one tiny step towards wanting more independence.

Love!

I am thankful for my family who are forever helping us out in some way. Leigh and I were talking about all of this before he went in for his surgery and one of the things he said he would take away from it was the realisation that no gesture is too small. My family in particular have helped out with watching the kids at various times which has allowed me to spend some time with Leigh one-on-one. It means I can sit with Leigh and focus my attention on him, without worrying about what the kids are doing or how they are going. I know they are safe and happy.

Hi Daddy photo

But, it's not just those who have given us their time that we're grateful for. It's anyone who has offered a kind word, given Leigh a lift, taken him out for a coffee or lunch, dropped in to say hi at home or at the hospital, cooked a meal (or ten!), put together a gift, passed on a funny joke, said a prayer, been a shoulder to lean (or cry!) on . . . the list really could go on. Even our work places. Mine for being so flexible and understanding and letting me go day by day as to whether I will work from home or in the office. Leigh's for accommodating him by actually creating a new position he can do without putting too much strain on his body. The nurses and doctors who chose to do what they do. Leigh has had some amazing people caring for him and he is so thankful for that.

Good Morning Daddy photo

 . . . so much to be thankful for.

This Friday Claire will be 4 and is having her first 'real' party on the weekend. She's invited her friends from daycare and she is so excited about it. Next Tuesday is Tyler's 1st birthday and we'll have a cake cutting for him on the day. We have two beautiful, healthy kids and, while the timing isn't perfect this year, I am hoping their birthday celebrations will bring some extra fun and joy into their world's. For the longest time I thought we weren't going to be able to have kids and look! Here we are, 4 years on and about to celebrate a 4th and 1st birthday. Truly blessed.

My Beloved

At this stage it doesn't look like Leigh will be out for Claire's birthday but he may be out for her party. I've told him not to rush things but he wants to be there for her. I get that. I would be the same. But, I'd rather him leave hospital knowing that everything is under control, than rush it and end up back in emergency. So, we take each day as it comes and continue to pray for a good recovery.

A little walk for fresh air and ice cream

There is so much I need to get done. So much going through my mind. Sometimes it feels like there just aren't enough hours in the day. I've done some very late nights . . . utilising as much of the day as I possibly can. Today obviously is no exception.

 But, my eyes are drooping and I am reaching that point where I know I need to call it quits for today.

I watch Tyler as he plays. The simple task of putting his arms up above his head and then clapping to congratulate himself can bring so much joy. We celebrate those simple gestures, the small things emphatically with a baby. We shower them with praise for each of those seemingly little achievements. Then they get older. Somewhere along the way we decide that more is better. But maybe, sometimes, it isn't.

No hands!

Maybe we all need to slow it down a little. Perhaps we should all keep it simple now and again?

So, in my delirious, jumbled-thoughts state, I am going to call it a night, once again grateful for all the wonderful people in my life who basically take the time to care and to those strangers who have as well.

A small gesture can go a very long way to changing someone's day ...

Still Standing

PIZZA!!!

I've just left Leigh at the hospital. It's rest time now and he was in need of sleep. All things considered (it's only 18 hours or so since he had spinal surgery) he is doing so well.

HI MUM!

He went in for the op at 1:30pm and it was nearly 7:00pm when he called me. Yes, HE called me. Apparently the Base staff didn't think his request to call me when he was done was worth following up on. I'd picked the kids up and taken them straight to the esplanade for a pizza and a play so we would be close by when he came out and they called me. Thankfully the fresh air did us all some good, so my anger at the staff had all but gone by the time I walked into the hospital. The kids got quite the play while we waited!!! I was surprised but so relieved when I heard his groggy voice on the other end of the phone.

So relieved.

First visit after the surgery

They went in through the back, as we were told they would. He'll have a brand new scar to show off because they didn't do keyhole. He didn't look quite as pale this morning as he was last night, but he still wasn't back to normal of course. Last night I wondered if I had done the right thing taking the kids in to see him. I know he wanted to see them and they wanted to see him but it, for some strange reason, didn't even occur to me it might be overwhelming for them. At first, Tyler was just all smiles for his Dad-Dad, but when Leigh couldn't hold him the little fella got frustrated. Claire, I think, was a bit daunted by seeing Dad hooked up to so many different machines. Some of the noises started to freak her out a little - all that buzzing and beeping and pumping and dripping. He was all swollen too but I am not sure whether she noticed that so much. She seems ok today. I almost cried when I saw her face as I lifted her up to say hello to her Dad. I can't even describe what she looked like. I think she was a little shocked. It definitely brought tears to my eyes. She had a giggle with him though after that and shared (ate all!) his ice cream so I think that trumped seeing him post surgery.

Steph was with us, so she kindly took the kids for a walk so Leigh and I could have a moment to catch-up. They were restless and tired, not liking being stuck in the hospital and I imagine, seeing their Dad in that position. Hospitals are not the best place for kids. 

Leigh was in so much pain. He was hitting that morphine button every minute but the pain relief just wasn't coming through fast enough. We didn't stay long. Just long enough to see his handsome face and let him know we loved him. He was in and out of consciousness...the cloudiness of the drugs and the pain stopping him from actually falling into an exhausted sleep. He was so relieved he could wiggle his toes and still had his vision. So was I. 

Slightly more human 'Franken-Sykes'

This morning I walked in as they were discussing his low blood pressure problem. Of course my heart starts racing!! They quickly eliminated infection as the cause and settled on the problem being the morphine. They took some blood, gave him more fluids, lowered the head of the bed and, as the morning progressed, the blood pressure improved. THANK GOD! Once he was bathed and had his teeth brushed I think he was starting to feel slightly more human. Well, as human as you can feel with your neck sliced open, canulas sticking out of your arms and a catheter in. 

I spent a few hours with him. The nurses, physios and doctors interrupting occasionally with questions, to take his obs and run some tests. He had a few visitors stop by to check in on him too. As time went by, he got some colour back in his cheeks and his spirits seemed to lift. He even scared one nurse and I by pretending to choke on his Panadol, as he insisted on taking it lying down. Yep, he was feeling a bit more like himself mentally, even if not physically. 

Us. So Relieved.

So, now here I am. Taking a moment to eat a late lunch at one of 'our' places. Strange being here without my him. I knew if I went home I would go nuts tidying up and I thought, despite the house being once again trashed, that just sitting might be better for me. Is it weird that I feel guilty? Leigh is in hospital, the kids are at daycare and I am sitting in Corea Corea eating a BBQ beef pot. It just doesn't seem right. . . 

My beautiful little family. 8 hectic weeks and this is where we are. All emotionally, mentally and physically tested. We've endured so much together. Each handling different aspects in very different ways. It hasn't all been smooth sailing but, here we are still smiling and standing strong together. 

Surgery - Take Two

I feel like the worst wife ever.

When I woke up this morning, my temperature was 39 degrees, I was aching all over, my head was pounding, my ears  and throat were hurting and I was coughing up stuff that looked like it should be in a horror movie. I'd had a horrible night, bed-hopping with the kids. At one point, as strange as it sounds, it felt like all my organs were burning up and throbbing.

So, when the alarm went off and everyone stayed asleep in bed, I dragged myself into the bathroom to have a long shower, hoping that might make me feel better. Not so much. The longer I stayed vertical, the more I felt like I wanted to die. I very slowly started getting everyone ready. Leigh watched me and basically ordered me to stay home. He wanted me to rest. In addition to that, we couldn't risk making him, or anyone else in for day surgery sick as well, if Tyler and I spent the day in there with him. Claire was begging me to take her to daycare today. So, with a heavy heart, I dropped both Claire and Leigh off at daycare and the hospital (respectively) and then took myself to see our G.P.

Feeling a little better after a nap

 

 

 

 

For over 6 years now, I have suffered on and off from this damn microplasma bug and, once again, it had struck me down. The doc confirmed what I already knew and gave me the usual drugs. I took the script to the pharmacist, bought some lemsip as well and then headed home. My little man was still unwell - he'd had the same bug all week so although he initially fought it, I managed to get him settled into a nice big sleep and was able to have a nap too. It didn't take long for me to fade off but I do remember feeling so guilty that I was at home napping while he was at the hospital alone, waiting for major surgery. I woke up feeling much better but, as it turned out that was short-lived.

Cheeky little monkey. Looks just like his Daddy!

As each minute ticks by I feel the aching increase and the nausea build. I can't say for sure though whether the nausea is a result of the sickness, the antibiotics or worry. I suspect all three might be contributing. I know I should try and rest again, but the little fella is full of energy right now. I even tried distracting myself by jumping online to get some of the stuff we'll need for the kids parties. I have 10 pages open and can't focus on anything. 

Leigh is being operated on by one of the best spinal surgeons in Australia. We have that in our favour. They couldn't say how long surgery would take so I am not sure if not hearing from them yet is anything to be worried about. He went in around 1:30 and it's now nearly 4. He sad they were doing him last because his surgery would take the longest. Someone will call me afterwards and let me know when he is done. God, I hope everything is going ok.

The Beauty of Bromance

Poor, sick, little Tyler - passed out on my lap

Monday morning and I am at home with a sick little bub. I'm surrounded by mess and, wait for it. . . silence.

I honestly don't even remember the last time it was - essentially - just me on my own. The turtle/fish tank filter is bubbling away, my son is oh-so-quietly snoring and I can hear cars driving by. But the 'normal' sounds of our home are missing.

It. Is. Odd.

After 7.5 weeks of chaos (sometimes organised, sometimes not so much), it feels like it has been a long time since I was able to just sit down and do nothing. I have so much I should be doing.  There is work waiting for me; cleaning in every room; the cars need to be washed and cleaned out; organising of the kids birthdays; dinner preparations but, instead I am just taking five minutes to stop and breathe. It's not a trip to a day spa, but right now it's the next best thing.

The thing is, when I stop though, I feel the tears rise a little. I feel my heart racing in my chest. My head becomes louder and full of thought after continuous thought. But, the tears don't actually fall. My heart stills just a little. And my head? Well, that stays full.

I wonder if there will be a time when I crumple. If I will fall to the floor in a blubbering mess. I've surprised myself over the years at what I have managed to get through. I have had all the normal human responses to things - crying, laughing, anger, frustration. And, yep, I've changed - some might say for the better, some might not. Like everyone else, we've had our share of hurdles to jump over and bridges to cross. It's strange to think that a community service ad or the right lyrics in a song, or a kindly spoken word can bring me to tears but through all of this I have barely cried. Why is that? Am I stronger than I really think I am or am I bottling it up? It's all just so surreal and strange. In some ways I feel like I am still a kid, moving through a 'grown-ups' world. Not quite sure of what to do next, but somehow getting by ok.  These are 'adult' problems we're experiencing. Surely this can't be happening to us? How silly and naive of me. It can't be sunshine, rainbows and lollipops all the time but, I never imagined this would be something we'd have to go through.

Now I feel older. Slightly more wiser. And a hell of a lot more greyer!!

Leigh's spirits were lifted on the weekend. Leigh's 'BFF', Chad, came to visit. He brought his daughter Chloe with him and they stayed the night. They made the 4.5 hour trip (which actually was closer to 5.5/6 when you factor in the roadworks that slowed them down) to come up and see him and less than 24 hours later, headed back home again. That meant so much to both Leigh and I. I know Leigh, in particular, misses his mate. It's a friendship that will last through all time. It's been going strong, for roughly 18 years now and looks to stand the test of time. They both had significant surgeries this year so, like two old men, they were able to discuss their ailments, medication, recovery and rehab, in amongst all their other usual banter.

Most importantly, they had a laugh. And I think, they both needed that.

It's been a little while since I have seen Leigh laugh like that. Not to say he hasn't laughed for the last 7.5 weeks, far from it. It's just that in the last week or so, his laughter hasn't been able to hide the pain he is feeling; the tiredness in his eyes; the concern on his face. On Saturday night, you could almost have forgotten that he's about to go back in for surgery. You could almost think everything was 'normal' again.

It made me happy to see him like that.

I busied myself a bit with getting dinner sorted, watching the kids and talking to some of the rest of my family who had also dropped by for dinner. I wanted to give them a bit of space to talk and laugh as they wished. It's been a hard road at times and I know Leigh gets sick of hearing me say the same things over and over again . . .

"What do you need?"
"What's wrong?"
"Are you ok?"
"Put that down - I can get it!"
"Have you taken your meds?"
"What did the doctor say?"
.....and so on.

So, if he needed to vent about me 'nagging' him, I was ok with that. I've never pretended to be perfect and I wasn't going to start thinking now that I was, that's for sure. (I have tried to do my best over the last 7.5 weeks but geez I have made some mistakes. I have done some dumb things. My patience has been tested and yes, I have also lost my temper.)

Once everything was tidied up and the kids were settled, I was able to sit down and relax a bit with them. I was so tired by that stage I didn't have too much to offer conversationally, but I giggled at their antics and my heart swelled knowing that Leigh had all-but-forgotten about his predicament, at least for a short while. It was nice to feel young(ish) again.

And so, here I am on this Monday morning, at home with a sick, sleeping bubba boy. Claire is at daycare. Leigh has walked down to work to get a few things sorted there. The joy of the weekend, already starting to disappear ever so slightly as we await news of this next surgery. The hospital didn't call over the weekend, so we can only assume at this point that the disc is not intact. That they will be going in through the front again. On Thursday. If we haven't heard from them soon, I'll start making calls to find out what is going on.

Too Much

I have 2 unhappy munchkins and 1 unhappy husband. Yay me! 

Tonight I was almost brought to tears. I was finally in what felt like a nice peaceful sleep when i was woken to my daughter calling out. I tried to settle her. To work out what was going on.

My daughter was screaming and crying. My husband was yelling at her to stop. My son woke up crying to be fed. 

I feel like I am failing. 

I feel slightly unappreciated by my family. 

Tomorrow my husbands best friend is driving into town for a surprise weekend visit. Maybe he can lift his spirits? I certainly can't right now. 

Little Miss, I believe, was overreacting a little... but, being her mother, I still need to listen and try to calmly work out what's going on, don't I? Tomorrow she's got a sleepover planned with her Uncle and two Aunties. (Mum is suddenly just so uncool right now.)

Leigh is convinced Claire hates him. I know he's hurt by this. I don't think he can see that he has two different faces when it comes to his kids. She's gone from being the centre of his world to just being a pain in his head. She just sees a cranky guy right now. The more upset he seems to get at everything, the crankier he gets, the more trouble she gets in and the more they seem to be at loggerheads. 

I wish I could fix it. It breaks my heart. 

Now the little fella has this nasty cough and is so restless. 

Fingers crossed for a happy, rested household tomorrow. Please?!?!

Wait! Late! What?...

You've got to laugh! (If not, I might cry!!) The radiology department just informed us that Leigh missed his clinic appointment this morning. They were searching for his chart and found it upstairs with the clinic staff.

"Uhhhh, no he didn't. A doctor called yesterday and told us there was no clinic on today so just come in at 12:15 to see you guys for the MRI." 

They didn't look convinced by what I said. It really is no wonder the public health care system gets a bad wrap sometimes. When it's good, it's great when it's not. . . . well, basically it's shit.

I could lose it but really what would that solve? it's not their fault anyway. This is a completely different department. Leigh is looking pretty pissed but he keeps his mouth shut. Arghhhhh! Nice one, doc. Thanks for making yourself accessible to us and answering some of our questions. Awesome service.

This is Leigh's 'Do I look like I want to have a photo?' face.

So, here we are. Waiting for the MRI appointment. They're running about an hour behind. Maybe. They're still trying to work out if the dude in front of us needs an MRI. Looooooooove disorganization. 

So far, everyone being wheeled past us has been very elderly or a kid. The elderly are mostly alone. The kids have one or two worried people, presumably parents, by their side. Going through this with your partner is hard enough. I don't even want to think about what it would be like watching your child go through the system. ....blergh! 

Right now, in this very moment I feel calm. I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel relaxed but I don't feel quite so on edge. Maybe because we are one step closer to finding out the solution to this latest problem. Maybe I'm just being naive. 

I'm planning the kids birthdays in my head. Trying to decide on different options. The distraction is greatly appreciated right now. (Might i just say - 4 days apart is not an ideal amount of time!) A little bit of excitement wells up inside me as i think of something they'll love and then I feel a bit guilty for not staying more in the moment. It's a hard line. I'm so cauggt up in 'today' but that doesn't stop tomorrow from coming. He got through the last op so i know he can do this. 

...Maybe that is naive of me. Am I being too complacent? I don't even know because there is really no one to ask. Lots if people have heard about the 'Trampoline Guys' (yes, guys! One week after Leigh had his accident ANOTHER guy was admitted for the same thing!), but not many know what to do with him apparently. 

The wait continues!